Why won’t they accept my feedback? What do I do with people who don’t want to hear feedback? and How can I give feedback more effectively? are among the most frequently asked questions in our individual and group work with managers across different companies. Many managers have been through numerous training sessions and instruction on how to give feedback, yet still experience discomfort and stress when preparing for such a conversation.
While every situation can be specific and may require a more nuanced response, there are widely applicable principles for giving feedback that help ensure it is heard, accepted, and ultimately effective. Before exploring those, however, let us look at some of the most commonly used models and approaches that — while sometimes making things easier for the manager — do not always produce effective results and can even contribute to feedback being unwanted and unheard.
The “sandwich”– arguably one of the most recognisable feedback models, present in countless soft skills and leadership training programmes. It has become so popular that entire performance appraisal systems are sometimes structured around it — creating the impression that alternating positive-negative-positive information is the right approach. Why does it not work? At least two reasons: first, people tend to hear and remember the first and last things said in a conversation, and frequently pay little attention to what is in the middle. This means the critical part of the feedback may go unheard. Second, in trying to fill the layers of the sandwich, managers sometimes say things they do not genuinely mean — and this is noticed by the recipient, undermining the credibility of the feedback as a whole.
What to use instead?– well-structured, descriptive feedback based on the manager’s direct observations of the employee’s actions, work, and behaviour. There is no need to label observations as positive or negative. What matters is sharing what you noticed and how it affected the work, the team dynamic, or client relationships.
Feedback is only given when something is wrong — this mindset creates difficulties for both parties. Feedback is valuable to employees because it helps them understand how they are performing and where they can develop. For this reason, it is important that they receive both constructive and encouraging feedback. If a manager uses this tool only to correct, they create the conditions for employees to start avoiding feedback conversations — and sometimes the manager themselves.
What are the alternatives?– build a regular habit of giving feedback whenever something worth noting is observed, whether constructive or encouraging. Monthly one-to-one meetings are a natural opportunity to share these observations.
Generalising – “you’re doing great”, “everything is fine”, “you’re not doing things right”, “you always get everything wrong.” We all know these kinds of remarks are unsuitable as feedback — yet they appear in it regularly. Generalising confuses the recipient and in many cases is the primary trigger for resistance. For feedback to be effective, it needs to be as specific and clear as possible, supported by concrete examples.
How to avoid it?– preparation matters. Think carefully about what you want to say and structure your message. Every word counts. So does context.
Feedback must be accepted here and now — it is not uncommon for managers to approach feedback with an ultimatum mindset: I have said it, therefore it must be accepted. Starting from this position, they become insistent and may even attempt to “sell” their perspective to the recipient — particularly when they encounter resistance. The effectiveness of feedback depends greatly on whether it is welcome and whether the recipient is ready to receive it. Any pressure or insistence produces the opposite effect.
What to change? — it is important to internalise the idea that our role is to give the feedback. Whether the recipient hears it, accepts it, and acts on it remains their choice. Giving feedback should be understood as two-way communication, in which the recipient has the right to express disagreement or seek clarification. Equal partnership in communication is key to achieving any real effect.
If giving and receiving feedback is a challenge for you as a manager — or for your organisation more broadly — get in touch to hear about our soft skills and leadership development programmes and how we encourage participants to give feedback in a conscious and effective way.
